Jokes

This morning I was at a job interview & the manager handed me a laptop and said “I want you to try to sell this to me”, so I put it under my arm, left & went home. Eventually he called me and said he wanted his laptop back, I said “£200 and it’s yours!” My Doctor told me I’m at risk of heart attack because I eat too much Sodium; I took his advice with a pinch of salt! My wife is leaving me because she said I’m obsessed with Astronomy, I said “What Planet are you on!” My GF said “You act like a detective too much, I want to split up”. I said “that a great idea, we can cover more ground that way!” I offered my neighbour £20 to take me up on her stairlift, I think she’s going to take me up on it! Yesterday my GPS told me to turn around, after that, I couldn’t see anything! I wanted to start a new diet, I just feel I have way too much on my plate right now! A sweeter I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I decided to return it, he gave me another one free of charge. I’ve started investing in stocks…Beef, chicken & vegetable in the hope that one day I’ll be a bouillon-aire! I told my wife I’m making a model of Mount Everest, she said “is it to Scale?”, No I said “it’s to look at!” Do you know what’s the first rule of the Passive, Aggressive club is? You know what, never mind, forget it, it’s fine. To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothin! My wife is so negative, I remember the car seat, the stroller & diaper bags & the bag of bags, but all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby! My wife is fed up with me getting my directions mixed up, so I packed my bags and right… I asked this man I know, after 95 years you still call your wife darling, honey, love, what’s the secret? He said I forgot her name 10 years ago & I’m afraid to ask her! A colourblind friend of mine insists that apples are yellow, I said that’s bananas!🍌

The Quotes of Steven Wright:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

https://superiorresponses.com/how-insult-toxic-person/

Pre means before Post means after Using both at the same time would be preposterous...

I hate horoscopes and zodiac sign stuff ... Astrology as a whole, Pisces me off !

So I’m dining with my wife at a posh restaurant righ.. now the food arrives & I say "Let's eat!" My wife says "But at home you always pray before eating." I reply "That's at home honey, here the Chef knows what he's doing." *I’m sleeping on the sofa

A mummy phones a restaurant and asks to reserve a table for the Pharaoh Sakrakhotep I. The woman at the restaurant says, “Could you spell it out, please?” The mummy says, “Of course: bird, two triangles, wavy line, bird again, jackal’s head, and a scarab.”

The inventor of Chinese Whispers has died....may he test tinned peas.

Whilst cleaning my windows today , I could hear next door's window cleaner shouting & swearing ....

I thought... he's lost his rag.

I've converted my car to run solely on herbs.
It's great.. I've always wanted to thyme travel...

I converted mine to run on oil from the fish and chip shop Some days it don't run so great But it runs much better on a Sunday when they sell Turbot.

Do you know how rare it is for a cow to be struck by lightning? Medium rare.

Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.

A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your arse'.
My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.
Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.>
Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it
scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.
Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.
A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us
and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and
said ........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.

https://www.komando.com/lifestyle/hidden-word-optical-illusions/852093
Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better jack off,
I've got a headache'.
Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.
Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.
Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging one of those again!
It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!
Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.
A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pu**y. Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip of the iceberg!
Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks

"do you have reservations?" The bride answers 'Yes, I won't take it up the ar**'!

Why do Rastafarians refuse to go on canal boat trips? They dread lock holidays.

0. I grilled a chicken yesterday lunchtime.

I said “Right... I’ll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road....?!"

But then I made a chicken salad for dinner. Apparently they prefer eating grain?

1. I told my girlfriend I'd like to try new things in bed. 
So she showed me how to change the sheets.
2. So we went to a 'dress as a musical instrument' fancy dress party last Saturday ...
Someone asked me what I was suposed to be .. I said "I'm a harp!, of course"
I was told I was too small to be a harp!
I retorted "are you calling me a little lyre.."

3. It's my dad's birthday tomorrow. My mum phoned me last night. She said your dad's been out bought a lambretta and also a coat with a logo of “The Who” on the back of it.. 

.. I said.. Mother.. I think he’s having a mod life crisis...

4. I'm sooo tired... My bar across the road kept me awake last night playing Lionel Richie songs ...I wouldn't mind.. But it was all night long!

5. I just received a complaint from a fella.. He said that the polo mallet I sold him on ebay was too short...I told him to get off his high horse..

6. I went for a curry last night ... I ordered a chicken tarka.

It’s just like a chicken tikka but a little otter..

7. I was in bureau de change yesterday and a man managed to swap one hundred grapes for fifty raisins...Though I’m not sure what the currant exchange rate is....

8. I was once joking with my postman and said I had a package to send to Spain.... to Parcelona...He didn't laugh though. Think the key to a joke like that... is in the delivery.

9. Could hear ' hello...is it me you're looking for?  coming from my biscuit barrel...

Was just a Lionel Richtea...

10. I've heard that jokes about white sugar are rare.

But about brown sugar? Well ... demerara

11. One of my secret talents is making balloon animals...

I was going to make a balloon weasel...but then it went pop...

12. Just arrived at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and made an invisible plane...Well... I can’t see it taking off...

13. Did you hear about the Farmer who had a talking sheepdog ?

He sent it out to count his sheep.. When it came back he asked it...how many were there? 200 ..came the reply. But I've only 197.... I know...said the dog..but I've rounded them up..

14. I've manage to train my dog to bring me a glass of red wine....

... He’s a Bordeaux Collie..

15. Don't drop a pile of dictionaries on your foot..

I did... Now I have thesaurus big toe ever!

16. My GF is Christian & said the local vicar didn't turn up in church last Sunday...She was a bit concerned... So I recommended she contact missing parsons...

17. My girlfriend is forever asking me to paint her face black and white..

I'm fed up with pandering to her needs... mind you she's Chinese!

18. Did you hear about the magician who only uses chocolate in his magic act? 
He's always got a couple of twix up his sleeve...19. We had a work pub quiz, but I missed out as overall winning because the final question was:
Another name for gambler? I should have known better!
20. I said to a friend who is a GP: "So, what's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?"
Apparently, for bird flu you need... tweetment
and swine flu?... oinkment...

21. Wife. "Do you know that I married you for your sense of humour? "
Me, " I thought it was because I'm very good in bed."
Wife, " See, how hilarious you are! "

22. My wife suffers terrible headaches whenever I cook her meals containing Barely, Wheat or rice. She suffers from my grains.

23. A collection of male Scottish goats is surely called... A billy colony...   ? 

24. Just got back from a short trip to Crete to see the Labyrinth .
It was a minor tour.

25. I'm thinking about starting my own waste disposal company. 
Anyone know any good tips?

Nic's:

A weasel walked into a bar. Barman says. “beer?”The weasel shakes his head.
“Okay.. What I can get for you?” “Pop... ” goes the weasel.
One a scale of one two five, how
how good are you at proof reading?
I took my son to an orchard for his birthday today.. 
Apparently, it wasn't the Apple watch he was quite expecting...
Apparently, someone has stolen all the inflatables from my local pool...
They haven't caught the culprit yet.. I bet they've decided to lilo....
I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels .. She never knew I existed.
I just seen on the news that a radical section of the Woodworkers' Union has broken away and formed a splinter group.


Good groaning to you...
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to his colleague having an operation under local anaesthetic who insisted upon closing up their own incision?  Suture self!
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
26. My friend said he was an expert in genealogy, but seemed unimpressed when I asked him how he got them into the lamps.
27. Just reminder: Procrastination awareness month is in April.
28. I planted some flowers in an old tyre. It was a Goodyear for the roses.
29. My ex-love left me saying I was too old fashioned for her.
I'd bet anyone a farthing she is being wooed by another beau already.30. My television’s just blown up... I couldn’t afford a real one.
31. I phoned the local Free newspaper to put a Classified advert in for next weekend's edition.
" How much is an advert?" I asked the salesperson. 
"£1.50 per inch." She said. 
Me: "Oh....actually forget it, it's a 16-foot ladder!"
32. Superman will not be visiting Dracula this evening. He is avoiding the crypt tonight.
33. Doctor - "You have a disease, but we can treat it. "
Me- "What’s the Cure?"
 Doctor - "It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused."

34. If I had £1 for every time I was accused of having OCD, I'd have £1,768.

35. Today, I gave my local art gallery a painting by a French impressionist, and two by by an eastern European artist. 

They got their Monet for nothing and their Czechs for free.

36. A man was knocked down by a reversing car this morning. 

Police are asking for the driver to come forward.

37. As hard as I try to come up with a bird of prey pun, there is no falcon way I can do it.

38. An alien from planet IKEA has contacted earth. He said " I come in pieces."

39. Once I used to crastinate but as I got so good at it,  I turned pro. Or will do one day that is.

40. Ladies; if your boyfriend asks you for matador equipment for his birthday, it's a big red flag.

41. A friend was granted three wishes after polishing an urn from an antique shop..
He asked firstly: " make me rich."
The Genie replied: "OK,  Rich; what are your other two wishes?"

42. I was at my local tennis club today and a young man came up to me and said "I'm a ball boy" I said "Are you? I'm more of a tit man myself, but whatever floats your boat!"

43. I finally got around to watch a documentary I'd recorded about clocks. It was about Time!

44. I've invented a Mind Controller Air Freshener, it makes scents when you think about it!

45. I was asked why I like escargot. I said I didn't like fast food.

46. My book on how to make good use of your basement; it's a best cellar!

47. What's the difference between a cat & a comma? A cat has paws at the end of its claws, and a comma has a pause at the end of its clause.

48. Why do dogs float in water, because they're good buoys!

49. At our local zoo all animals must do chores to earn their keep, the Lion Sweeps tonight!

50. "Computer models are no different from fashion models: seductive, unreliable, 
easily corrupted, and they lead sensible people to make fools of themselves."

51. I don’t do Scandinavian jokes, there’s Norway I’d stoop Oslo as that.

52. I don't know who it is but someone keeps leaving flowers with the heads cut off on my garden wall... I think we may have a stalker...

53. My boss told some Jokes on a Zoom meeting earlier today, but no-one laughed. 
It turns out he's not even remotely funny

54. Your waist measurement is supposed to be half your height.
Great, I'm 7 foot 6 inches.

55. My doctor told me that my sodium intake was too high. I took his advice with a pinch of salt.

56. My neighbour popped over. 
"Have you got any jubilee clips?" He asked.
"No, but I have some footage of the coronation. "

57. I went to a restaurant for dinner last night. 
The manager said “Sorry we are full at the moment.. do you mind waiting?"
I said "Sure... No problem.".
Then he handed me two trays & said "Great! Can you take these meals to table 5 please?"...

58. I've started a business selling muzzles for aggressive birds.
I hope I can make enough to cover the bills.

59. I’m looking for a married woman, recently cheated on; mad and scorned, who is willing to sell her husbands tools for cheap.

60. A man went to the GP to see if he had the new version of flu said to be infecting our pets, mainly dogs, the GP asked how he felt at the moment & the man replied "Rough, rough" 

61. During the blitz,  my grandad was always nonchalant,  saying:" If it has your name on it, it will get you, otherwise you're fine."
Our family were  relaxed about it, but Mr and Mrs Doodlebug not so."

62. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, “I can’t sleep.”
“Well it’s your lucky day,” I said. “We’ve got a party going on in here, come in.”

63. The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is……you know what? Never mind. It’s FINE.

https://www.humorthatworks.com/database/funny-work-jokes-to-get-you-through-the-day/:

101 Work Jokes for the Joke of the Day

A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says “I’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!”
My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.
Some people say the glass is half full. Some people say the glass is half empty. Engineers say the glass is twice as big as necessary.
I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
The reason we “nod off to sleep” is so it looks like we’re just emphatically agreeing with everything when we’re in a boring meeting.
When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.
My resumé is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to upset you.
There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
My annual performance review says I lack “passion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.
I get plenty of exercise – jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
If every day is a gift, I’d like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
The boss frowns on anyone yelling: “Hey Weirdo!” He says too many people look up from their work.
Things really haven’t gotten worse. We’ve just improved our inter-departmental communication skills.
Anything that could possibly go wrong often does – as well as a thing or two that couldn’t possibly.
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.
I don’t work well under pressure… or any other circumstance.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
A work week is so rough that after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
I couldn’t work today because of an eye problem. I just can’t see myself working today.
When in doubt, mumble.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
When it comes to work, change is inevitable, except from the vending machine.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Keep the dream alive: hit the snooze button.
If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things.
I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
I don’t mind coming to work, it’s the 8-hour wait to go home I can’t stand.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
My biggest professional ambition is to get a desk where no one can see my computer monitor but me.
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
I like my job only marginally more than I like being homeless.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!
Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.
It’s not who you know, it’s whom you know.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

-------------------------------------

Cox Leeds not Manchester

FIREPLACE CHANGED LEVEL LEFT THEN RIGHT

Climate changes but money drive scientists weaponise climate for fear!

We are being blindsided with 'climate change' and it's being used to suppress the real issue which is environmental destruction by a myriad of companies and organisations.

We will NOT lower the temperature but we could ban plastic today - and bring a world of pain to polluters.

Quick, get the mining companies to start digging up all the rare earth minerals, and use tax payers money to give to the same companies so they can create another wasteful industry, there is no time to waste!

CarpetBagging companies are using minuscule part of weaponised ClimateChange by Humans excuse, blindsiding all as a great excuse to suppress real environmental issues, making fast Buck.
Trouble is we will all suffer from this bonanza when we are converted from COG's to just Elecy.

Meanwhile the Climate Emergency fake panic levels are so high, it’s crippling economies and impoverishing millions.

There were calls in the 1950s to burn more fossil fuels intentionally in order to increase the amount of CO2 in the atmosphere and thus end world hunger. That worked. And keeps working. Because CO2 is the food of plants, not pollution. Burn. Drive. Eat.

Advantages & Disadvantages

-----------------------

1. Top tip. If you wear a suit of armour in bed, you'll get a good knight's sleep.

2. Went to the library yesterday, I asked the librarian if she had any books on turtles..
"Hard back?" she inquired...."Yes..." I replied. "And little heads"

https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2021/02/phosphorus-pollution-fertilizer/617937/

https://www.exploredplanet.com/trending/scientists-discover-a-girl-with-dna-from-two-different-species/3

https://www.desmog.com/climate-disinformation-database/

https://www.aao.org/eye-health/diseases/what-is-ocular-hypertension

https://www.sci.news/space/planetaryscience/hydrocarbon-seas-titan-calm-05016.html

https://bigthink.com/hard-science/dna-rna-mix-origin-life-on-earth/

https://cairnsnews.org/2022/09/07/aborigines-possibly-the-tenth-race-to-have-inhabited-australia/

https://realclimatescience.com/failed-climate-models/

https://blogs.bmj.com/bmj/2021/07/05/time-to-assume-that-health-research-is-fraudulent-until-proved-otherwise/

https://alexepstein.substack.com/p/the-myth-of-fossil-fuel-subsidies

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-uQ9XmG7ig&t=12s

https://clivebest.com/blog/

https://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/science-technology/humans-could-achieve-immortality-live-29529505

https://live.childrenshealthdefense.org/chd-tv/events/do-not-trust-your-government-a-wake-up-call-from-mep-christine-anderson/do-not-trust-your-government-christine-anderson/

https://clivebest.com/blog/?p=1169

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/population-decline-will-change-the-world-for-the-better/

https://bigthink.com/13-8/how-long-until-life-on-earth-dies/

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2023/05/10/wind-solar-renewables-pointless-waste

https://www.discovermagazine.com/planet-earth/where-was-the-birthplace-of-modern-humans

https://jennifermarohasy.com/2023/05/the-guardian-temperatures-misinformation-part-1/

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2023/05/05/governments-electric-vehicle-obsession-war-on-motorists/

https://www.investors.com/politics/editorials/the-stunning-statistical-fraud-behind-the-global-warming-scare/

https://www.gardensillustrated.com/news/dead-plants-more-winter/

https://www.thompson-morgan.com/how-to-grow-potatoes-in-the-ground

https://horticulture.co.uk/potatoes/store-bought/

https://judithcurry.com/2015/09/20/new-book-doubt-and-certainty-in-climate-science/

https://www.instituteforenergyresearch.org/renewable/green-technologies-cause-massive-waste-and-pollution/

https://www.manhattancontrarian.com/blog/2023-1-7-the-coming-future-of-electric-vehicles-something-here-does-not-add-up

https://www.wmbriggs.com/post/46678/

http://people.uncw.edu/kozloffm/logicalfallacies.html

https://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/engl1311/fallacies.htm

https://bigthink.com/the-past/sapient-paradox-prehistory/

https://www.netzerowatch.com/30-years-ago-officials-predicted-the-maldives-would-be-swallowed-by-the-sea-it-didnt-happen/

https://phys.org/news/2022-11-international-team-chemical-code-iodine.html

https://bfrandall.substack.com/p/when-rube-goldberg-is-your-systems

https://bfrandall.substack.com/p/harvesting-the-tides-is-anything

https://quadrant.org.au/opinion/doomed-planet/2022/10/garbage-in-climate-science-out

https://nypost.com/2022/04/28/in-a-world-gone-mad-elites-keep-peddling-untruths/

0. I fancied a job hypnotising chickens but unfortunately failed the hen trance exam.

Friend. " You'll annoy less people if you keep your mouth closed." Me, "Fewer."

My pal had a sex change op, and was looking sad and I asked him why. She said, "I spent all my money on a sex change, and now I don't have a sausage."

Watched Rachel Riley on Countdown and got aroused. Good seven letter word.

Is it OK to start drinking as soon as the kids get to school? Or does that make me a bad teacher?

I'm really pleased with my vegetable patch. I haven't craved a vegetable for weeks.

Pretty sure there's no life on other planets.
If there were, we would have sent them millions in foreign aid by now.

I asked the butcher if he had a sheep's head? 
He said "No, it's just the way I part my hair."
Went to the shops in Yorkshire, l asked where l could find towels and was given directions to a bird sanctuary.
Certain people have been making hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather then gloves, but I don't like to point fingers.

My neighbour likes to put fruit-filled pastries in straight lines and set them on fire. He’s a pie-row-maniac.

A man stopped me with a clipboard the other day and asked if I kept any pets.
I said I’ve got a goldfish
"Any hobbies?"
"Well, it likes swimming."

I guessed orange, but it was chocolate; I guessed toffee, but it was peanut; I guessed strawberry, but it was coffee.
I was wrong on so many Revels.

I spend about £55 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

My body is a temple. 

Old and crumbling, cursed and probably haunted.

1. I have trouble digesting chick peas - whenever I eat hummus, I falafel.

2. I suspect it was the Illuminati who dreamt up cabal tv.

3. The heart surgeon was also a talented ventricle ist.

4. I saw a shooting star last night, that was all I could have wished for.

5. I lost my rare deck of Tarot cards. I was sad. They cost me a fortune!

6. The Ferris wheel inventor is the father of the ride.

7. Postal workers tend to be men, especially the ones walking around with male sacks.

8. Some overreaching fungi lichen themselves to algae.

9. Mexican border wall? We taco fence to that.

10. The Three Little Pigs order off the vegan menu, but Mary Had a Little Lamb

11. I compulsively collect appetizers. I'm a bit of a hors d'oeuvre.

12. What did the pony say when he had a sore throat? - Sorry, I'm a little horse!

13. Jesus on teaching Father how to use a mouse: “Jehovah the cursor over the icon!"

14. Wifey gave birth 4times & still fits into her High School Prom Dress!

I gave birth 0 times & don't fit into my pants!

15. Acting is tough. Many retired performers have PostDramatic stress.

16. Start each day with a smile and get it over with Rolling on the floor laughing.

17. The future isn't what it used to be.

18. Can't believe it! Just seen a chocolate covered car! . ... Think it was a Ferrari Rocher..

19. A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.

The marriage counsellor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

20. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.

21. The first Hangman to switch to electricity from the traditional cord was a good conductor, with an alternate code of conduct!

22. Old MacDonald had a robot farm, A-I-A-I-O.

23. I stole some asphalt from a road crew, and now there's a tar get on my back.

24. LandL AnswerPhone "HiThere. Yes Joe here. I'm home right now & in a moment, I'll have decisions to make. Leave your name n number & I'll be thinking about it."

25. Snakes are looking just for a place to be long.

26. The gunslinger woke up in the drunk tank, locked & loaded.

27. I hit a frog, and my car was toadaled.

28. Anyone who plays HeavyMetal at work is the office rocker.

29. That British geometry teacher is kind of thick headed. What an obtuse Anglo.

30. Cleaning mud can lead to a life of grime. It's a slippery slop.

31. Lead would be great for making electric guitars. After all, it is a HeavyMetal.

32.Cowboy was walking down a street with a pet dachshund. A passerby asked him "why a cowboy would own that kind of dog?"

Cowboy replied, "Well, somebody told me to get along little doggie."

33 & 1/3 Took me a minuet to get this, then struck a chord, but I treble with fear over this, may all our trebles leave allegro,  hope we’re able to stave off the danger!!

But we must hold our tempo, scale back our anxiety and forte ahead else our minds B#; give it a rest!

34. Something never want to see coming back toward me: a boomeringue.

35. I can't believe I came last in the karate competition today. I was kicking myself!

36. What did pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!

37. If Watson isn't the most famous Doctor in the world Who is?

38. Johnathan asked his young son, 'Greg, do you think I’m a bad father?'

'My name is Andrew,' replied his son.

39. Anyone who can't make dirty puns has clearly lost all crud ability.

40. Mouldy Jello? That's rather off pudding.

41. As the lawyer slowly came out of the anaesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"There's a big fire across the street", the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

42. It was a big pizza, but I ate olive it.

43. I couldn't see a good cow pun if it was steering me in the face.

44. Don't you just hate it when folks that get hit in the head, jump to concussions!

45. Cannibals tend to be chewsy with their friends.

46. Do you know why executioners never take on apprentices? They always get a head of themselves.

47. If you live beneath a sewer, you are destined for grateness.

48. What are pigeon dictatorships most susceptible to?

49. What's the best time to practise your arithmetic? Summer.

50. Waiter: I have stewed liver, boiled tongue & frog's leg.

Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu.😜 

51. Overheard 2 Women Talking:

"One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited.

Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends."

52. "Honey," a wife says to her husband, "our neighbour's wife has exactly the same coat as mine."

"Do you want me to buy you another one?" asks the husband.

"I assure you that it will be less expensive than moving to a new apartment," the wife replies.

53. The Smell of Confusion:

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?

54. While walking through the jungle with a black marker, I spotted a leopard.

55. I wrote a novel about religious women. 

The library put it in the nun fiction section!

56. A wife once gave her husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared: 

“Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

57. Dicaprio looks stupid in Leotards, but there are isn't he joining the #Climatards?

58. Monetize the #Earth's atmosphere? 

That's a buyin' the sky idea.

Mind you that's what the ClimateCult are doing!

59. Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.

60. A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. 
She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.

"Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.

"No, but it's okay - I got the licence plate number!"

61. There's too much pickled cabbage in my fridge! A bit of an overkrauting problem.

62. Mr. Bailey saw his son's shiner and demanded, "Scott, who gave you that black eye?"
"No one gave it to me dad," replied the spunky lad. "I had to fight for it."

63. I'm addicted to seaweed. I must… seek kelp.

64. A girl came home from her first day at school.
Her mother said, "Well, Honey, what did you learn today?"
"Not enough, I guess .... They want me to come back again tomorrow!"

StarTrek theme:
65. Why was STAR TREK so successful? It had good Genes.

66. How many ears does Mr. Spock have? Three, a left ear, a right ear and a final frontier.

68. When I took first place in the sewing competition, I thought that I had better quilt while I was ahead.

69. 
Boyfriend: "Life's a bitch, just like you." 
Girlfriend: "Actually life is short, just like your dick."

Organic herb farmer was accused of dilly dallying around by Rosemary, spending too much thyme trying to become a sage

The lack of any sort of animal census on the Ark led to complaints of Noah count ability.

Consuming tree foliage can a leafy ate digestive problems.

73. A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied.
"But where in the world was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

74. When a shipment of large fruit was delivered by boat to the warehouse, it was the first water mailin'

75. Did Picasso make stained glass windows? Sorry, no Pablo in glaze.

76. My mother’s sister was bitten by a snake. I will carefully suck the poison. That’s the antidote.

77. If you work in demolition, you deserve a raze.

78. Son: "Dad, will you help me with my homework?"
"Sorry," replied Dad. "It wouldn't be right."
"Well," said the boy, "at least you could try."

79. If you want to get the nurse’s attention after a urine test, you better pee cup.

80. Apparently, there's a patron saint of security cameras. Yes.. It's St Francis of a CCTV

81. A man visits his doctor and complains that he feels like he has 5 legs.
The doctor asks him how do his pants fit?
The man replies, "Like a glove!"

82. What did the tree say to the bush? That's vine with me.

83. Psychiatrist to Banta: Do you ever hear someone speaking but you are not able to see them?
Banta: Yes.
Psychiatrist: When does this happen?
Banta: When I am speaking on the phone.

84. A man asks his friend for a cigarette. His friend says, "I think you made a New Year resolution to quit smoking."
The man says, "I am in the process of quitting. Right now, I am in the middle of phase one."
"What's phase one?"
"I've quit buying."

85. The police officer blamed his poor choice on arrested development but his superior told him that excuse was just a cop out.

86. Don't worry if you're undead. You can still be zombody.

87. Q: How does a magician insult a chicken? A: Slight of hen.

It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home.
When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?"
The baby mosquito replied, "It went great, everyone was clapping for me!

'The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine.' - Abraham Lincoln on quoting William Shakespear

A podiatrist adds insoles to injury.

Receiving a Nobel Prize is, nevertheless, a ringing endorsement.

Another diet craze? Here we go vegan!

Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac? He knew in advance what he was going to forget.

Arranging furniture? Turn on some music. You won't have to ask, “Where does disco?”

I took a swing at the fog, but I mist.

Canada's most famous dinosaur? 
       Toronnosaurus Rex.

Cannibals just e-man-ate something unusual.

Members of the Flat Earth society all around the globe would ridicule their opponents as sphere-mongers.

99. Doctor: "Is your cough better this morning?"
Patient: "Yes. I've been practicing all night."

100. The leaders of the Prohibition movement were eventually arrested and charged for gin-ocide.

Half listening to my GF talking about her time in China & her Dad suffering under Mouthy Tongue; it sounded like a verbal diarohea, but she actually said Mao Tse Tung 😊!

Can you make puns about a lake monster's salad?
Maybe.. But not Nessie's celery.

My wife caught me cheating after she found all the letters I was hiding. 
That’s the last time we played Scrabble.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he'll sit by the river bank drinking beer all day.

When I was little, my mum used to always give me alphabetti spaghetti for my lunch..
She insisted that I told everyone that I really loved it.
I didn't ... she was just putting words in my mouth

There was a WWII myth that if you saw a swan in London in thick fog the blitz would stop. It was called a peace hooper.

Bad news; I dropped my cactus.
Worse news; I caught it.

Every week someone sneaks into my home and steals some of my fruit..
I don't know how but they've done it again today! 
Once again, I'm left peachless...

The policeman gives me a speeding ticket.
Me: "So what do I do with this?"
Police; "Collect 4 and you get a bicycle. "

I started a book binding class last night at the college…
I’d only just sat down and the tutor told me to make myself a tome.

I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

Changed the ringtone on my alarm to the hokey cokey. 
Took me 20 minutes to get out of bed.

I met a date at the local gym, but she didn't show up...that's when I knew we wouldn't work out!

I’ve started a business where I weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.

My mother always told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach..
Wonderful mum... but terrible surgeon

Man who walks sideways through door naked, is going to Bangkok.

I think my relationship may be on dodgy ground.  When I asked my girlfriend what she would most like to do with my body,  she said; "Identify it."

Met a lady who claimed she has managed to train her dog to bring her a glass of red wine to order ... He’s a Bordeaux Collie...🍷

Just about to take an exam on the Study of Flying Insects. 
I've been up all night swatting.

I was trying to give a urine sample but Lorraine,  the nurse, being there  made it awkward. 
She left the room and I can pee freely now Lorraine has gone.

Just started a plumbing services review website.
Dripadvisor.

I went to a Robbie Williams gig. I sat next to an insurance salesman and through it all he offered me protection.

I missed the World Hairdressing Championships on BBC last night.
Anyone know if they’re showing any of the highlights?

I sometimes wonder how many Egyptians you could fit in a pyramid ..It's probably a pharaoh mount..

My boss said "Sarcasm will get you nowhere. "
Me; "Well, it got me on an all expenses paid trip to Rio in the World Sarcasm Championships. "
Boss; "Really?"
Me; "No."

My wife wanted a green jumper for her birthday.
So I bought her a frog.

Trying some alternative milks.
Not sure what a magnesia is but it makes my cornflakes taste awful.

Watched Rachel Riley on Countdown and got 'aroused'.
Good seven letter word.

I hate the numbers 
54, 1, and 500. Every time someone mentions them, I'm absolutely LIVID

I call my sewing machine Pearl.
Pearl's a singer.

The wife just arrived back from the shop and said she thought she saw my name on a loaf of bread, but when she looked closer it read “thick cut “

I love my electric car.
Only trouble is,  it keeps coming off the track at corners.

I told the doctor," I had a bad reaction to the hemorrhoid cream you gave me !"
He said "where did you apply it?"
I replied " on the bus".

I bought a book called "Overcoming Kleptomania ".
Well, I say 'bought', I just borrowed it for a while!

Is it OK to start drinking as soon as the kids get to school?
Or does that make me a bad teacher?

I'm not too good at recognising classical gods - half the time I don't know what deities.

I've met a girl at Camouflage Club.
It’s going pretty well, we’ve been not seeing each other for a couple of months now.

I got sacked from my job at the zoo and I'm suing them!
All the signs clearly said 'Do not feed the animals.'

'Hello, Roman Tee Shirt Company?
I ordered an extra large tee shirt but you sent me 40.'

Well, at least my imaginary friends think I'm special.

My friend is colour blind, so never enjoyed working in the public sector.

Too much purple tape he said.

My Dad always used to say;
"Never a lender or a borrower be."
Great man.
Rubbish Librarian.
His job at the bank didn't end well,  either.

They accused me of stealing all the yeast from the bakery.
They can't prove anything.

My friend, Lol, always gets into trouble when he sends messages of condolence.

Scientists say that it may be possible to live on Mars. 
I tried it for a month and put on two stones & now I'm T2 Diabetic; diabolical!

Went to cash converters to raise some money. 
They gave me two grand, and never even took the gun!

Every time I fart, the room fills with smoke and stinks of petrol. Doctor says I'm exhausted.

There were six pies sitting on a shelf. One jumped off onto the floor. 

One by one, the others followed. They were lemming meringue pies.

Absolutely mental last night, I had 3 E's and LSD...........Worst start to a game of Scrabble ever.

I took my kids to the zoo last week. 
Popping back on Wednesday to see if they've settled in.

I think my dog's worried about global worming.

The inventor of gravy granules has had the freedom of the city bistowed on him.

Bit Grumpy this morning. Then I slapped Dopey and kicked Sleepy. Not Happy.

Went into the bathroom to take a viagra and I dropped it down the toilet.
It took four hours to put the lid down.

My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look sexy. I got drunk.

Welcome to The Shouting Club hotline.

We’re currently experiencing very high call volumes

I wish the authorities at Heathrow Airport were as friendly as their dogs! They were all over me.

I told my wife that people in the shop kept accidentally asking me to purchase meat.
"By mistake?" She said. "Not you as well!"

I retired as a mechanic and I was sad yesterday, when I gave away the last of my tools.
It was a wrench.

When Rapunzel died, she left her only son just £20 in her will.
It was the day Rapunzel let down her heir.

I was thinking of setting up a new business preserving fruit. In the end I bottled it.

I put my finger in her hole and it started getting wetter.
When I pulled my finger out she started going down on me.
I think I'll need a new boat.

I got sacked from my job as a dermatologist. 
I've just picked up my E45.

I'd love to live in a world without plagiarism. 
You may say that I'm a dreamer,  but I'm not the only one.

I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in films.

I changed the bulbs in the bathroom the other day. 
Now when I look in the mirror I see myself in a different light.

My dentist told me that if I were to have false teeth fitted my speech might be affected.
I went ahead and had them anyway. Can't say I'm sorry.

I got stopped at the nightclub door; bouncer said;
"Sorry,  you can't come in. You've had too many. "
"But I haven't had a drink!" - " I was referring to birthdays. "

I had a game of darts last night with a zombie and an alien.
One undead and ET.

My online bakery business failed when I accidentally deleted all my cookies.

I went to a seance last night.
I don't know what possessed me.

Got a bottle of Newcastle Brown stuck on my foot.
It's an ingrowing toon ale.

I went to the doctors & he told me I needed a pacemaker, now I've got this Kenyan athlete two yards in front of me everywhere I go.

In the last Astronomy class I put a question to the Professor. 

"How do stars die?" He quipped. "Drugs, usually."

Weird dream last night. I dreamt I saw Henry V111 on the street asking passers by for change.
Didn't think beggars could be Tudors.

Just got my green belt in judo.
At least no one will be able to build on me now.

My wife was upset when she told me she had failed her driving test.
Me; "Oh no, what did they pull you up on?"
Wife; "A rope. The car's still in the canal."

What a day. Toilet wouldn't flush and now I'm banned from Victoria Plumbing.

Not having a great year so far.
No valentine's day card, always had one for the last 20 years with the same message. 
First my granny dies, then this.

I know I will be inundated with valentine's day cards.
Well, in and undated.

It's Valentine's day tomorrow. 
Hope I get a card from ' MoonPig '
My wife hates it when I call her that.

My wife asked me if I knew what her favourite flower was.
I now know that 'self-raising' is the incorrect answer.

Starting my 4th marathon of the month tomorrow. 
I think they're called 'snickers' now, though.

I got banned from the jungle exhibition at the local library. 
Completely misunderstood what a pith helmet was for.

As a market stall holder, I'm on Mastermind with a specialist subject of 'jeans from 1299 to 1899.'

I just found out that I failed the RAF entrance exam; apparently the bomb bay doors are not an Indian tribute act.

I was on holiday in Iraq with my daughter, and I bought her a new handbag at the bazaar.
She said "Thanks for the Baghdad."

When I started my book swap club, I had Great Expectations,  but not now.

To make your wife feel special, put a photo of her in the kitchen with 'Employee of the month' on it.
She'll love it!

Local reporter; "Do you have any pets?"
Me; "Well, I have a goldfish. "
Reporter; "Any hobbies?"
Me; "Not really, he just swims about a lot."

Need to take some time out; currently in hospital having poisoned myself by accidentally eating so daffodil bulbs.
Doctors say I should be out in the spring.

Patient; "Doctor,  what happens when we die?"
Doctor; "We clean down the bed and bring in a new patient. "

I was invited to a fancy dress party in Birmingham with 'spice' as the theme. 
I went dressed as a pepper but most people dressed up as astronauts.

Just got a job as a conductor on a ghost train. I think it's going to be tickety-boo.

I always wanted to be a sound engineer. 
Don't know why; just want to, want two..

Weird,  but when I woke up this morning,  there was a piece of a jigsaw in my bed.
It's a bit of a puzzle.

The instructor at my self-defence class said that the best way to disable a male attacker was to kick him in the knee.
Personally, I think it's nuts.

Police are investigating why the plaque on the wall outside the British Dental Association odfices keeps disappearing.

I thought my rubber plant had died but it bounced back.

Our local pharmacy closed down because it dispensed with accuracy.

This morning I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop.
I must have a chess infection.

I started a new hobby this Sunday. I did two hours of bell ringing.
I found it very therapeutic. It seemed to piss the bus driver off though.

I first saw my future wife wearing a white suit, net and she smelled like honey.
I thought; 'she's a keeper. '

I haven’t seen my twin brother since I left Australia.
We were separated at Perth.

I told my friend that my aunt is in hospital and passing the time playing draughts, ludo, mahjong etc.
"Any chess?"
"No, she's gone private.

I've just made some gold soup. Put 24 carrots in it.

Looking to buy a lighthouse to live in. Nothing flashy.

Girlfriend: "This isn’t working between us. For starters, I’m sick of your stupid jokes."
Me: "I see. And for the main course?"🥘

I'm just one step away from being rich. All I need is the money.💸

Studies show that teenage pregnancies reduce significantly after the age of 19.

I love puns about stationery....but rulers are where I draw the line.

My wife said she wanted Chanel No.5 for mother's day.
She’s going to be made up!
All I had to do was re-tune the Freeview box.👃

I saw my ex yesterday at the museum but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just too much history between us.

An ex boyfriend once proposed to me on St Patrick's day..

I turned him down.. The ring he was giving me had a fake diamond..

... it was just a shamrock

A racehorse walked into a bar with all its entourage.
Barman says ...you can’t come in here with those trainers.🐎

Did you know that 3.14% of sailors are pi-rates....
Oh yes they arrrrrgh

I've just heared about a hyena that swallowed an Oxo cube...
Apparently..he made a right laughing stock of himself....

I got really excited when I spotted the World Origami Championships was on tv last night .. 
Can you imagine my disappointment when I saw it was...paper view...♾📎

Now the weather is a lot colder once again, everybody who lives on my street are wearing wooly jumpers that are a size too small for them....
To be honest.. We are a tight knit community..👚

I knew that it'd be icy this morning .. Was out last night and got sprayed by a salt spreading lorry...
“Watch out!” I tried to shout through gritted teeth....😬

I heard that a burglar who fell inside a combine harvester while trying to steal his equipment, is expected to be out tomorrow on bale.🥷🏼

A lorry full of Spanish onions has shed its load all over the M1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.🧅

When the lift stopped working, everyone stopped and staired.🏘

Olympians are going to have sex after seeing a pile of free condoms and the man says I think I'll use my golden condom, whereas the lady said why not wear the silver one and come second for a change.🥈

You can tell me an eye joke if you like..
But I bet I have a cornea one!👁

Went to the stationers yesterday and I've just realised they've sold me a pack of cardboard instead of paper. I’m now writing them a stiff letter...✍

There's a woman coming to work tomorrow to talk about sexual harassment in the workplace. Hope she's got big tits.ധ

Just met a really strange man who claims to have invented a car that's powered by liquorice. I dunno, I guess it takes all sorts.🍬

Vicar didn't turn up in church today.. Bit worried... So I've contacted missing parsons...⛪

Apparently, Shakespeare had a cat. Though no one knows what kind.. Tabby or not tabby?...that is the question..😹

Just accidentally electrocuted myself, and my first thought was "I can't afford this".⌁💡

A bloke in the pub showed me a photo of his wife and said " beautiful, isn't she?" I said; "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife." "Is she beautiful?" Me ; "No, she's an optician."

Psychiatrist: So how long have you believed in reincarnation?

Patient: Ever since I was a puppy.🐶

I've entered the tightest hat competition. I hope I can pull it off.

My Yoga instructor asked if I want to leave early. I replied, “Nah, must stay”.

Do you know that the Icelandic alphabet does not contain the letter Z. How do they sleep at night.

I was banned from the mime artist's group. I think it was something I said.

Apparently, it takes 3 sheep to make a sweater. I didn't know they could knit.

Just proposed to my girlfriend but she said 'no' just because she wouldn't change her name to Anna to match my tattoo. No pleasing some people!

Why do golfers wear polo shirts, and not tee shirts?🏌🏼⛳

Did you know that your brain gives off billions of electrical impulses every second? Makes you think.

My friend Ian Cognitio was standing right in front of me but I didn’t recognise him…

Out shopping with my wife and she said I was so lazy! I was so shocked, I nearly fell out of the shopping trolley.

I called my wife from the shop saying I’d forgotten what orange juice she asked for. “Concentrate” she said, but I still couldn’t remember.

The salesman kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Nyet!” “Nein!” But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

My mate has joined a cult that worships black holes. I'd hate to get sucked into something like that.

I've got a sarcastic washing machine. It takes the piss out of my underpants.

My wife has told me to be quiet as she does the crossword : 3 letters for silent, ends in m.

"Mum’s the word".

Daleks have started hiding in orchards because they heard an apple a day.....

Me; "People call me the Dog Star." Wife; "Really?" Me; "I'm Sirius. "

My friend said one day "Humans will travel to the nearest star"; I replied You can't be Sirius!"

I'm so old, my blood type is discontinued.

Today is national librarians day. They kept that quiet

My track record on dating apps is unmatched.

I tried to phone the ladder company, but it just rung and rung.

Sad news tonight; the inventor of Hovis, has passed away. A spokesman man said; "He's brown bread. "

I found a better word for 'Camouflage' and it is ' '.

I thought that training as an airport baggage handler would be fairly simple. But actually there’s a lot to take on board.

What measurement is used to guage the depth of an ocean. I can't fathom it.

I wish envelopes would moan when you lick them.

I failed my wizard's exam. I wasn't any good at spelling.

Policeman;" The bodies were dismembered and adorned with antlers." Superintendent;"Deer God!" Policeman;" Yes sir, probably. "

I keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge in case anyone wants a black coffee.

I bought a new muzzle for my pet duck the other day. Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.

I was going to visit the aquarium today, but it's closed for training porpoises.

Just been to the shortest cheese festival ever. The brie fest.

A van load of wigs has been reported stolen. Police are combing the area.

Just killed a huge mouse with a baseball bat. Also banned from Disneyland.

I use face masks to brew my espresso. They're coughy filters.

As we approached the airport the pilot started banking.

Not the greatest time for a career change, I thought.

We had Domino's for dinner last night. Broke my tooth on the double six.

I love collective nouns for birds: A murmuration of starlings. A parliament of owls. A murder of crows. Two kilo mockingbird.

Swimming is very good for you, especially if you're drowning.

Girls call me 'the love machine '. I think it refers to my tennis skills.

I've just been to see the meerkats at the zoo. How disappointing. They know bugger all about car insurance.

I see the improper fraction helpline is open 24/7

My brother is a lumberjack. He's a nice feller.

Another man I met said his bitch has just had seven pups which he named: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Now every day will have its dog!

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!” “Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

If anyone can tell me how to create a company that transports goods by road, I'm hauliers.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills. She said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10." I still can't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

Did you know I worked for NASA but I lost my job at NASA Mission Control.
I completely misheard when they said, "Its lunch time."

Went into my local library and said I am into DIY and was wondering if you had any books on shelves ? There really was no need for the librarian to swear at me.

I rang pizza hut and said "D’you deliver?” They said "sorry we only do pepperoni, spicy beef, ham or bacon."

Accidentally sat on the wife's hairdryer. That certainly put the wind up me.

I was going to buy some storage boxes but I have nowhere to keep them!

People say 'asap' because they can't spell 'imijiately'.

My wife said she was sick of my childish games and was going to leave me. I said; "You can't leave now!" "Why not?" She said. "Because Simon didn't say so."

My wife overheard my friend saying that she looked like the back end of a boat. She gave him a stern look.

Restaurant toilets are like black holes. So many of my first dates have gone to use them and just vanished.

My wife said that I should put a clean pair of socks on every day. It's Friday and I can't get my shoes on.

I walked into the bedroom naked and said to my wife: "What would the neighbours say, if I went outside like this?" Wife ; "They'd say I married you for your money. "

My friend won 'The World's Saddest Man' competition. Apparently he was so pleased to win, that they took it off him.

Anyone out there wanting a really rubbish telescope? Look no further.

Wife's birthday tomorrow so I suggested to her that we try something from the Karma sutra. "Lovely," she said, "I'll have chicken biryani."

Apparently, it's rude to press someone on the forehead and saying 'skip intro' when they're talking.

My friend made her dress out of corn - she looked a-maizing…

I see the guy who invented protein powder for bodybuilders passed a whey!...I'm a gluten for these types of puns.

I once lived on a houseboat and started dating the guy on the barge next door ... Didn't last Eventually we just drifted apart...

Brrr... It's getting cooler in the mornings now .. I just googled 'how to light my log burner' ...I got 35,462 matches

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive. Mabe you should try swimming with sharks. Mate tried it.. it cost her an arm and a leg!

My Psychic Teacher said that Telepathy wasn't really for me. I don’t know what she was thinking.

Me: Why don't vultures check their bags when they fly? Frank: They just take carrion.

Today I found out that Al Pacino has a brother called Cap... Apparently, he's famous for his froffy coffee...

When I lived in the States.. I started training racing deer. I was hoping to make a quick buck...

I went to see the world’s biggest fan yesterday ... I tell you.. I was totally blown away...

I've almost finished my A to Z of Lionel Richie songs, but I'm stuck on you.

I have a fear of escalators so I'm taking steps to avoid them.

My neighbour's cat "Bailey" is in the bad books..he has just eaten his next doors pet duck Arthur...I suppose that means he's a duck filled fatty puss..🦆🙀🐈‍⬛

I like all sorts of puzzles, things like jigsaws and crosswords.. but dot to dots are where I draw the line..

I've just sold my holiday home.. I had to get rid of it as it kept giving me electric shocks. ... It was a static caravan..

Before surgery, my anesthetist offered me two choices to put me to sleep.. I could choose by gas or by boat paddle... It really was an ether/oar situation...

I took my son to an orchard for his birthday today.. Apparently, it wasn't the Apple watch he was quite expecting...

Lance isn't a very common name nowadays, but in Medieval Times People were called Lance a lot.

Gutted! ordered a takeaway from the local Chinese last night. I ordered a 23, a 13, a 31 and a 79. I had to take them back. They all tasted odd...

I used to be in a Band called 'The Dead Badgers'/'The Dead Hedghogs'. We did Middle of the Road type stuff, mainly.

I'm going dressed as a Green triangle with a shiny plastic wrapper when i go busking today - Because that's the difference between a Street performer and a 'Quality' Street performer.

Did you know that Superman always wears Clarks shoes.

Who's your favourite James Bond actor? They're all good.... but I like Roger Moore......

What did the egg say t the boiling water? I don't know if I can hard, I just got laid this morning.

I got good news that my blood test results were clear, bad news is that blood shouldn't be clear!

The hospital x-ray reults showed I have curvature of the upper spince, but that was just a hunch said the radiologist

I had a bad dream last night. I dreamt I was knitting in a fridge. I woke up in a cold sweater...

Two patients in hospital, one patient wakes up to next patient with good news saying he can use one of his slippers if he wanted to walk to the toilet with his new crutch, the bad news is they apputated your wrong leg.

Just finished a game of Scrabble with the tiles H and Y, which was handy.

It wasn't until after her death that I learnt that Nana's fullname was Sodiumsodium.

I've got banned from the Zoo .. Just for making a parrot laugh! ... ..... it's polly tickle correctness gone mad..

One of my mates works at bakery.. He fell into the bread making machine! He's ok now.. He managed to claim compensation from his bosses. ... they gave him plenty of dough...

My friend was cryogenically preserved on his birthday, as it happened we stood by and sang; "Freeze a jolly good fellow..."

My brother's 50 birthday .. He got a lambretta also a coat with a logo of “The Who” on the back of it.. .. think he’s having a mod life crisis...

My mate Joe's been on the Dolly Parton diet... It made Joe lean.. Joe lean.. Joe lean.. Joe leannnnnnn..........

I used my phone to film me getting my hair coloured .. I'm planning on watching it later to see the highlights..

I've found a really old bottle of tippex in my office drawer. Going to take it to the antiques roadshow... Think it's a correctors item...

Was having some toast for my breakfast this morning and as I spread it with marg, a face appeared.. . It was Jesus! .. Bit disappointed though .. I can't believe it's not Buddha!

If you see 2 octopuses that look exactly the same... are they itenticle?

Watched a really good programme about hitch-hiking. I’d definitely give it a thumbs up.

My wife just said: "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago & it still fits me". I said " it's a Fliping scarf."

Did you hear about the magician who uses chocolate in his magic act? . . Yes.... He's always got a couple of twix up his sleeve...

Just been offered a job in the south of France... I thought “Why not?, I’ve got nothing Toulouse.”

I was Sète on it…my friends said I was Bordeaux-ing on the ridiculous! Better than moving to Paris as that would be in-Seine!

I've invented a new type of ouija board using alphabeti spaghetti.. . . It's great for contacting people who've pasta way..

Did you know that you can actually hear the blood running through your veins? . ... But you must listen varicosely.

Been down to the farm this morning... Tried and tried to milk the cows but to no avail...no milk! It was an udder failure...

The best puns about insect anatomy ? They are actually the bee's knees...

Top tip Never get into a fight with your chiropractor I did..Now I'm going to be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life

I once was sat next to an insurance salesmen at a Robbie Williams concert . And through it all, he offered me protection...

Right... It's lunch time.. For my next trick, I will proceed to eat a musical instrument sandwich! .... . Drum roll please.....

BREAKING: A field full of young sheep unexpectedly slid down a hill this morning onto a country road . .. . Traffic police reported that they think it was some kind of lambslide..

My New Year's Resolution for 2023 will to be less condescending. (That means not talking down to people and thinking you're better than them)

My wife thinks she’s better at bird related puns than me!! Well toucan play that game…!

Last night I accidentally superglued my thumb and forefinger together... But don’t worry...it will be ok.

I bought a greyhound yesterday. My wife said “Are you going to race him?” I said “No, he’s much faster than me!”

My mum was nagging me all day, yesterday, had I seen her AgathaChristie collection? . I think she may have lost her Marples...

My friend told me he’s really bored with his job as a sewer inspector. He said he feels like he's just going through the motions...

I think my Shetland pony may be coming down with a cold… His main symptom is that he's a little hoarse.

Breaking :The Scrabble museum was robbed last night. A police spokesperson said that the curators were at a loss for words..

Bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said ‘Thanks.’ I said 'Don't mention it...'

Just heard that two slices of bread got married! Apparently, the ceremony was wonderful.. Well that's was until someone decided to toast the bride and groom...

Lord Nelson was about 5ft 6. His statue is 17ft 4. That’s Horatio of about 3:1

I've had an operation on my funny bone.... I been in stitches for weeks now!

My grandad used to say: "when one door closes, another one opens" He was a wonderful philosopher but a terrible kitchen fitter..

Bob Marley ate donuts because they had jammin

Apparently, someone has designed an invisible plane.. Well... I can’t see it taking off...

I have decided that from the start of next week I am going to dress as a different kind of bread every day. Roll on Monday!

Blazing saddles has just been edited for TV & will air tonight between 8:00 & 8:05pm

Fell asleep on my smart phone last night.. When I woke up this morning .. . I'd downloaded a nap..

I went for a job at a blacksmith the other day. Interviewer asked me: "have you ever shooed a horse?" I said "no but I once told a donkey to feck off"

I've been a Limousine driver for nearly twenty years but never had a single customer, all that time and nothing to Chauffeur it

Q.What do you call a deer with no eyes? A: No Idea!

Q: What Do You Call A Deer With No Eyes And No Legs? A: Still No Eye Deer.

Q:What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no ? A:… Still no fcuking Eye Deer.

My friend hates it if anyone messes with her red wine.. Well.. We're in Menorca... So I got the waiter to add some fruit and cava.. Now she's sangria than ever before.

I've made a ouija board using alphabeti spaghetti.. . . It's great for contacting people who've pasta way.

I came second in a pasta making competition.. I would have won if it wasn't for a fusilli mistakes..

I had a dream last night that I was vacuuming with the Grim Reaper I was Dyson with death...

I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a screwdriver. Turned a few heads…

I’m going to write a novel set on an allotment… I just need to find a decent plot…

Breaking: an Andrex toilet paper lorry has blown over on the M1.. A spokesperson said.. The driver is OK.. Just some soft tissue damage..

Can't believe it.. I was just about to win a race yesterday when some random bloke threw apple seeds at me... I was pipped at the post!

My therapist said she wants to treat me with ygolohcysp. But I told her reverse psychology doesn't work on me.

Did you hear about the Farmer who had a talking sheepdog ? He sent it out to count his sheep.. When it came back he asked it..how many were there? 200 ..came the reply. But I've only 197! I know...said the dog..but I've rounded them up...

Police have advised people driving to Chester for the river regatta to expect many Dee tours..

Frank was taught by his driving instructor to hold the steering wheel at 10 & 2 o clock. At other times he would just crash.

'I've had just my first book published ready in time for Halloween .. It's all about poltergeists...According to my publisher... they're flying off the shelves..👻 📙 🤣

A lorry carrying corned beef collided with a truck load of potatoes causing this morning A bystander said: I don't know what the traffic police are doing to reopen the road.. But they seem to be making a hash of it.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was going to a classical composer fancy dress party dressed as Mozart.. When he found out someone else was too.. he said "no problemo... I'll be Bach"...

I thought I could hear the bee gee's singing from my herbs garden.. but It was just the chives talking..

I reckon I’m a wanted man for using too much coconut shampoo... It’s like there’s a bounty on my head...

Sister Mary’s on a 120 darts finish & hits treble 20 then single 20. Her last dart sails towards double top but rebounds off the wire, hits her between the eyes and kills poor Mary. MC: “One nun dead & eighty!”🎯

An alien goes into a bar. A darts player gets fifty with one dart, then another fifty. The third dart hits the wire and pierces the alien. One hundred and ET……

The barmaid in my local pub has just had her nipple pierced... I'm fucking shit at darts!

When I told my missus I was looking at flights on the internet she got very excited... Which was odd as she's never shown an interest in darts before!

Once stayed a haunted B&B in France. I didn't stay long.. The place kept giving me the crepes....

I launched my own clothing line this weekend... I really shouldn’t have lit the fireworks so close to my washing...

Big Yin Jokes:

“Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on.”

“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.”

“There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.”

“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”

"A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.”

“I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.”

“Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was ‘How are you getting on?'”

“I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”

[On morphine suppositories] “You’ll end up with your arse between your shoulder blades.”

“Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.”

“The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.”

“It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.”

“My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.”

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!”

“Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?”

“I’m a huge film star, but you have to hurry to the movies because I usually die in the first 15 f***ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f***ing Muppet Movie.”

“I don’t know why I should have to learn algebra… I’m never likely to go there.”

“If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?”

“You’ve made a happy man, very old.”

“People who ask, ‘can I ask you a question?’ Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?”
“Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.”
“A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. ‘Can you describe the symptoms to me?’ ‘Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!'”
“I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.”
“Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you’ll have the time of your life!”
“Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?”
“A lot of people say it’s a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer f***.”
“What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?”

“All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.”

“When something is ‘new and improved!’ which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.”

[To heckler] “When they put teeth in your mouth, they spoiled a perfectly good bum.”

“Bonnie Prince Charlie was the only man ever named after three sheepdogs.”

“So have you heard about the oyster who went to a club and pulled a mussel?”

“Oh wellies they are wonderful,
Oh wellies they are swell,
Cause they keep out the water,
And they keep in the smell.”

“Old MacDonald was dyslexic IEIEO.”

Estate Agents say houses with basements are best cellars.

I looked up "opaque" in the dictionary but its meaning is still unclear.

The worst Pub I've ever been to was called 'The Fiddle'; the food proved it was a Vile Inn.

Inspecting mirrors is something I could see myself doing.

I was going to make a joke about tofu but I thought some people might object, it's really tasteless.

Marriage counsellor:🤓 Maybe she is upset at all the Star Trek puns.
Him: Could be. My Star Trek jokes don't phase her anymore.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around. Isn’t that what it’s all about?!

I have a dancing puppet.Her name isMary Annette!

It's crap, stop going backwards.

Progress is a Vector and facebook is sure showing how true that is!

What do you call someone who pretends to be Swedish? An artificial sweedener!

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. (…Only a fraction of people will get this joke.) !

The guy who invented autocorrect has died… May he restaurant in piece

Q: What do you call a nose without a body?

A: Nobody knows

I came up with a funny carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it but nobody saw it.

Accordion to a recent survey, most people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced by a musical instrument.

This year is the year of self doubt; or is it? I'm not sure.

Once knew a woman with a taser, she was an absolute stunner!
What do dentists call their....I have some racing geese for sale.

Let me know if you want to take a quick gander...🤣

A grape falls off a vine and dries...
Everything happens for a raisin.

Did you hear about the radiologist who marr

Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't meet the koalafications.

Why didn’t the koala make the finals?

It got diskoalafide.

I had a heart attack and saw God. “Will I die?” “No. You've 30 yrs to live.” So I got a facelift,and breast implants. Leaving Hospital I'm hit by an ambulance and died. In heaven,I see God. “You said I'd 30 yrs."True,” says God."What happened?”God shrugs.“I didn’t recognize you.”

*Wife: Honey, can you please help me cleaning de garden?😊
Husband: Do I look like a gardener?😕
Wife: Sorry Honey, OK then fix de bathroom door.😇
Husband:Do I look like a carpenter?...😕

*then the husband walks out. After coming from where he went, he found the garden cleaned and the door fixed*

Husband: I knew my wife you could do this all by yourself😘
Wife: It was not Me.
Husband: Who then?
Wife: Moses, our neighbour.
Husband: How much did you pay him?
Wife: No money, he just gave 2 options, bread or sex.
Husband: Hope you gave him bread
Wife: Do I look like a baker?

*Husband Fainted*

-----------------------------

An  Engineer dies and goes to Hell.  Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. 

After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets, and escalators, and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan,  "So, how are things going down there?"

Satan says, “Why, things are going  great.  We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next!"

God is horrified. "What? You've got  an Engineer?  That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there!  You know all Engineers go to Heaven.  Send him up here immediately!!"

Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff.  I’m keeping him."

God  says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue  you.”
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?”

-------------------------------

I heard that lawyers are buried 6 feet deeper than everyone else because deep down they are good people.

-----------------------

New male hygiene spray on the market. It’s called Umpire.
For Men with foul balls.

Confucius say: if you have one tissue, first blow nose, then wipe arse.

Read the novel about the Mexican hitchhiker in texas? Its titled "El Paso"

----------------

National Orgasm Day . . .

He turns to his wife in bed and whispers "Did you know it's National Orgasm Day?"

"Oh, what a pity," she smiled, "Right in the middle of National Headache Week !!"

--------------------------

How 'bout the Mexican who sank 5 condiment jars? Cinco de mayo.

To the person that stole my anti-depressants: I hope you're happy now.

What do you call a fake noodle, an impasta.

How does a penguin build a house; Igloos it together.

This grave yards looks so over-crowded, everyone must be dying to get in it.

Why did the cookie cry, because he was Wafer so long.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car; Carlos.

How many apples grow on a tree – all of them!

A
 nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning and she 
asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of 
your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."
"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night..
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, "OH GOD, I'M COMING!". 
If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"
THE NUN FAINTED! 🤣

*WHY MEN ARE SO HONEST*
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river'.
When he cried out, the Angel appeared & asked, *"Why are you crying?"*
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water & he needed it to make a living.
The
 Angel went down into the water & reappeared with a *Golden Axe*. 
"Is this your axe?" the Angel asked. The woodcutter replied: *"No."*
The
 Angel again went down & came up with a *Silver Axe.* "Is this your 
axe?" the Angel asked. Again, the woodcutter replied: *"No."*
The
 Angel went down again & came up with an *Iron Axe*. "Is this your 
axe?" the Angel asked. The woodcutter replied: *"Yes."*
The Angel was pleased with the man's honesty & gave him all 3 Axes to keep, & the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, & his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Angel again appeared & asked him: "Why are you crying?"
*"Oh, my wife has fallen into the water!"*
The Angel went down into the water & came up with *Pamela Anderson*
"Is this your wife?" the Angel asked. *"Yes,"* cried the woodcutter.
The Angel was furious. *"You lied!* That is an untruth!" The woodcutter 
replied, "Oh, forgive me, It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had 
said *'NO'* to *Pamela* , you would have come up with *Angelina Jolie *.
 Then if I said *'NO'* to her, you would have come up with *MY WIFE*. 
Had I then said *'YES,' you would have given me all 3.*
I'm a poor man, & not able to take care of 3 wives, so *THAT'S why I said YES to Pamela ."*
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a *good & honorable reason & for the benefit of others.*
That's our story, &
we're sticking to it!
*MEN ARE TRULY HONORABLE!*
😜😋😝😀😄😜😋😝😃
Boy
 Am I OLD...My Grand-daughter used her toy kitchen to make paw-paw 
dinner- a pot of KIDNEY BEANS with 'stones' in it! I'M so OLD... 
Cremation may be my last shot at having a HOT body. geez Old I say... 
I'M so old I considered going back for my MASTERS In AMERICAN HISTORY- I
 wouldn't need to study... whatever history question was on the exam- 
I'd just sit and remember 'where I was at the time it occurred".! OLD my
 friends - someone complimented my alligator shoes, despite the fact I 
was barefoot.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Ans: 1000

1 to screw it in and 999 to stand around and say “You know, what he’s 
doing isn’t that hard. I could do that. I mean most anybody could do 
that”.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
Just the 2, but I have no idea how they got in there.

Two parrots sitting on a cat, one asks the other "do you smell pussy?"

A
 policeman stopped me for speeding and I angrily disagreed with him 
saying I was only doing 29 mph. My wife sitting beside me said to the 
officer,' It's pointless arguing with him when he's drunk!

"Life is like a penis; simple, relaxed and hanging free; it's women who make it hard."Sign language often comes in handy.

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BE AWARE ... THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!......

People who do not use punctuate, deserve a long sentence!

How did the farmer find his wife? He tractor down!

I stayed up all night to see where the Sun set....then it dawned on me!

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.

Bread is like The Sun, it rises in the Yeast and sets in the Waist.

No matter how hard you push an envelope it is still stationery.

The past, present and future walked into a bar; it was tense.

Why was Mark Antony attracted to Cleopatra; it was her Pharaohmones.

Always be polite to grammar police, you nevor no win you mite kneed there help

What did the peanut say chasing the raisin; I can cashew

There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A backwards poet writes inverses.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

What's the definition of a will? A dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts, in feudalism it's your count that votes.

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? Because it is two tired.

A
 chicken and a horse were playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a 
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the 
farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer but 
the farmer cannot be found. So she drives the farmer's BMW back to the 
mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other
 end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and drives the car forward 
saving him from sinking.
A few days later the chicken and the
 horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the 
mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from 
the farmer. The horse said, 'No, I think I can stand over the hole'.
So
 he stretched his legs over the width of the hole and said, 'grab for my
 'thingy and pull yourself up.' So the chicken grabbed hold of the 
horse's "thingy" and pulled herself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!
--------------
I’m addicted to seaweed.
I must sea kelp.
--------------
I've decided to sell all my chiropractic magazines.
I have loads of back issues.
--------------

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. 

He’s a Singer songwriter.

Or sew it seams.

--

- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
- I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
- If Barbie is so popu, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work.
- I like to practice the harmonica by going for a drive and holding it out the window. 
Sometimes I look up out the window and smile for a satellite picture. … 
Everywhere is within Walking Distance, if you have the time.
Apparently, Shakespeare had a cat. Though no one knows what kind.. Tabby or not tabby?...that is the question.
Archeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to Shakespeare..
.A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends we can't tell if they're..... 
2B or not 2B...
A pile of lego was found dumped at a local beauty spot..
A spokesperson for the Council said.. The workmen simply don't know what to make of it all... 43. My parents are having an argument about how long to leave the teabag in for to make a perfect cup of tea...  Mind you... it has been brewing for ages.
Bought something recently.. accidentally using my donor card instead of my bank card... 
Ended up costing me an arm and a leg
My mate didn't believe me when I said I could make a tv out of pasta..

You should have seen her face when she saw my.. 

Taglia telly...
I'm getting rid of my broken tripod. I can't stand it.

https://www.rd.com/article/dad-joke-tweets

47. My debit card was declined at the sweater store, so they asked me for my cardigan.

48. A lot of women are turning into good drivers. If you're a good driver, beware of turning women.

49. After ten years as chairman of the Ladder Appreciation Society, I'm stepping down.

50. My Girlfriend gets plenty of exercise jumping to conclusions, same as my ex-wife!

51. Took my girlfriend to Paris for a sexy weekend and asked what fantasy thing turned her on. She said she always wanted to be handcuffed, so I planted a kilo of cannabis in her suitcase.

52. I always get pickle and chutney mixed up. It makes me chuckle

53. Got a bit drunk last night, so took my shoes off at the bottom of the stairs. Climbed slowly up, leaving my clothes on the steps (I know). I was naked at the top , which is when I realised the bus driver was unimpressed.

54. Can you use acupuncture to cure pins and needles?

55. Answered a knock on the door this morning and two men in dark suits wanted to discuss the benefits of rowing machines. Bloody Jehovah's fitness.

56. My boss said that I was lazy. I said it walks in the family.

57. Every time my doorbell rings, my dog hides in the corner. He’s a Boxer.

58. Had a hot curry and said to my wife the following morning; "My bum's burning . How do you stop it?" "Ring sting?" She said. " Does he know how to cure it?"

59. I got caught trying to steal a rugby ball. It was worth a try.

60. What's the difference between an activist and a gun? A gun only has one trigger.

61. I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the water shouting, “Help! Shark! Help!” I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him.

62. Did you hear about the trapeze artist who caught his wife in the act ?

63. Do LIDL’s sell fish cakes? It’s my goldfish’s birthday tomorrow.

64. If I’m reading their lips correctly... My neighbours are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

65. Not having a great day. Went for a horse ride this morning, first time in ages, so started slowly, then went faster, when I slipped and caught my foot in the stirrup and got dragged along. Fortunately the manager at Sainsbury's came and unplugged the machine. Banned now.

66. I’m good in bed as I get older. Hardly ever fall out!

67. William Tell and his family were champion cricketers. Unfortunately, the records of their success have been lost, so we don't know for whom the Tells bowled.

68. Set myself a target to lose 20 lbs this year. Just 24 to go!

69. I once thanked a Frenchman to death. It was a merci killing.

70. My girlfriend said to me, “If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.” Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn’t count as “anything”.

71. I went bob-sleighing the other day. Killed 11 Bobs!

72. Waking up for me I find is an eye-opening experience. I'm sure same for almost everyone else.

73. Standing on the tube this morning I thought: " These Pringles are going to be crushed. "

74. There's a man at work who plays heavy metal all day. He's office rocker.

75. What are the most dangerous kind of canoes? Vol-canoes!

76. I ended a long term relationship today. I’m not too bothered about it. It wasn’t mine.

77. Anyone know how to get rid of condensation in the kitchen? If so, pop around any time, the kettle's always on.

78. I enjoyed my first time ever bobbing up and down in the sea yesterday. It’s been my dream ever since I was a little buoy.

79. What do you call a Spaniard that will not go out after sunset? Alfredo DeDarque.

80. Just visited the new Church that’s been built in town, I was given a cup of coffee on the way in , I was given a cup of coffee during the service and I was given a cup of coffee on the way out, It was the church of Latte day saints.

81. My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.

82. Anyone fancy dressing up as a pheasant ? I'm game, if you are. No weirdos.

83. Want to make Easter easier? Replace the 't' with an 'i'.

84. I just used the vcuum clener on my keybord. Brillint.

85. Son: "Dad, I've got a part in the play with the local rep company. I play the part of the leading lady's husband. " Dad: "Never mind son, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."

86. I've just read Great Expectations. It wasn't as good as I thought it would be.

87. I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist’s waiting room & blow on anyone who walks by. Most people hate it, but I’m a fan.

88. I was voted 'least likely to succeed' by my sixth form class this week. Sometimes I just hate being a teacher!

89. The furniture shop keeps calling me. All I wanted was that one nightstand.

90. My girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick the other day but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.

91. My wife and I went to see a marriage counsellor yesterday. The counsellor told me, “your wife says you never buy her flowers.” I replied, “to be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.”

92. I was in the middle of an argument with my wife last night and she told me I’m right. What the hell do I do next? I’ve never been so scared in my life.

93. My wife asked me this yesterday, “why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?” So I took her to dinner and a movie. Then I dropped her off at her parent’s house.

94. My wife asked me this morning, “can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?” I replied, “fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

95. I asked my wife this morning, “Honey, do you like my new teeth?” She replied, “They remind me of stars darling.” “Yellow and far apart!”

96. My son asked me this morning, “Dad, is it true? I heard that in ancient China a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries?” I replied, “That happens everywhere son, everywhere!”

97. My wife and I got pulled over last night. We was driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason. He said, “I had to pull you over, you can’t drive like that” I said, “I’m sorry I had a little too much to drink.” He replied, “That’s not an excuse to let her drive”

98. I just saw my wife trip and fall while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes. I watched it all unfold:

99. I was making breakfast this morning. I asked my wife, “How do you like your eggs honey.” She replied, “unfertilised”

I took my wife out last night. We walked passed a five star restaurant. She said, “the aroma smells heavenly.” Like a gentleman, we walked past the restaurant again.

My ex-wife still misses me But her aim is improving.

I said to my pregnant wife push darling, come on push harder dear. No she wasn’t giving birth, the damn car wouldn’t start.

I entered a pun contest last week. I submitted ten of my best pun to see if I could win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit last night and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed. After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

My wife told me this morning, “Our kids are rotten.” I replied, “ All kids smell like that.”

My wife had her driver’s test yesterday. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped away.

1. I’ve just been to try the new Fleetwood McDonalds restaurant.

They sell you fries, sell you sweet little fries.

2. Me and my half brother aren't allowed to play with chainsaws anymore.

3. My 10 year old son came downstairs and asked: "Dad, what is love juice?" Nearly choked on my drink and explained what happens between man and a woman. He looked horrified and ran off shouting, " I'll never watch tennis again!"

4. I watched a film last night where Patrick Swayze teaches a girl how to type on a keyboard. QWERTY Dancing.

5. I asked my wife this morning, “do you want to go out to dinner and dancing tonight?” She replied, “sure, but if you arrive home before me, leave the hallway lights on.”

6. I wanted to find out if bran was combustible and now my house is on fibre.

7. I lost my memory in an accident and the doctor insists I am Swedish. Does he think that I was Bjorn yesterday?

8. Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

9. At the bank, I told the cashier, "I'd like to open a joint account, please." "Ok, with whom?" "With whoever has lots of money."

10. My girlfriend just admitted that she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her. It might seem judgemental, but I’ve only known her as a Christine.

11. I met a clone but he was so rude and offensive that I pushed him over. It's the first time that I've made an obscene clone fall.

12. We told the restaurant manager that our salads were a bit on the dry side. It was a situation that we felt needed addressing.

13. Went to a Cannibal wedding yesterday. It was all going well... until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.

14. I had a date last night and really enjoyed it. Tonight, I'll try a fig.

15. I have something to say, and I'm going to shout it out from the rooftops. "Someone's nicked my ladder!"

16. I'm bankrupt after inventing a sandal for people with only one leg. It was a flop.

17. I was walking down the street this morning and this fella waved to me. Then he came up to me and said: "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else." And I said, "I am."

18. "Hello is that the cricket club?" “Yes". “Could I speak to Mike please?” “I’m sorry, he’s in at the moment,I’ll get him to call you back when he’s out".

19. A bossy man walks into a bar. He orders everyone a round.

20. I think it's a disgrace on society and our education system when after 50 years, most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is. Or what kind of trumpet he played!

21. The first rule of Anagram Club is mug Alan Crab.

22. Just been up in the loft, spraying the mice with WD 40. It doesn't kill them, it just stops them squeaking!

23. Got a tattoo last night. My wife was livid. She couldn't sleep through all the drums and bagpipes.

24. Any experts on asparagus on here? I’m after some tips!

25. I bought a deep-fat fryer off ebay. It was described as 'Used, but in very good condition'. When it arrived, it had a chip in it.

26. My wife said, "Did you eat my chocolate eclair in the fridge?" I said, "No. I ate it in the living room."

27. I’ve decided to become a photographer. It was a snap decision.

28. I paid £1 for a wig today It was a small price toupee!!

29. I wasn't allowed to take part in the Eskimo lottery. Apparently you've got to be inuit to win it.

30. All my passwords are protected by amnesia.

31. My girlfriend just admitted that she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her. It might seem judgemental, but I’ve only known her as a Christine.

32. They say 40 is the new 30. Don't believe them; it gets you a driving ban.

33. My wife and I met while studying to be ophthalmologists. We were eye school sweethearts.

34. I'm in a band called Dyslexia. We've just released out Greatest Shit album.

35. I always get pickle and chutney mixed up. It makes me chuckle.

36. Do you remember the boomerang joke? No? It'll come back to you!

-----

@elonmusk All those moments, will be lost in time like tears in rain …

@stargrazzer All we fought for, Gained, Lost & Loved Time cascades into photons

https://www.techrepublic.com/forums/discussions/friday-yuk-136/

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-49394802

2011

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

2012

1.Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2.Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "

3.Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

4.Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

5.Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."

6.Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

7.George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

8.Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

9.Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."

10.Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

2013

Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."
Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."
Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

2014

"I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine.
"I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.
"Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson.
"I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos" - Bec Hill.
"I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina.
"Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor.
"Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro.
"I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook.
"This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward.

2015

"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
"I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
"Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
"Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
"Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
"Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
"I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
"Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
"I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
"Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol

2016

"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
"I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
"Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
"Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
"Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
"Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
"I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
"Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
"I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
"Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol

2017

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

2018

"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."

"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse
"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel
"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt
"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan
"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh
"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse
"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff
"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman
"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx

2019

"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

"Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott
"What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones
"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert
"A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith
"Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith
"I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff
"After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford
"To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons
"I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham

2022

1. "I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta" - Masai Graham

2. "Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery" - Mark Simmons

3. "My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock" - Olaf Falafel

4. "By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family" - Hannah Fairweather

5. "I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person" - Will Mars

6. "I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back" - Olaf Falafel

7. "I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx" - Richard Pulsford

8. "I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery" - Tim Vine

9. "Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate" - Sophie Duker

10. "I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days" - Will Duggan

2023

I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah - Lorna Rose Treen
The most British thing I've ever heard? A lady who said 'Well I'm sorry, but I don't apologise.' - Liz Guterbock
Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it's hardly worth it now - Amos Gill
When women gossip we get called bitchy; but when men do it's called a podcast - Sikisa
I thought I'd start off with a joke about The Titanic - just to break the ice - Masai Graham
How do coeliac Germans greet each other? Gluten tag - Frank Lavender
My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight. Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals. He's Costa-phobic - Roger Swift
I entered the 'How not to surrender' competition and I won hands down - Bennett Arron
Nationwide must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch - William Stone
My grandma describes herself as being in her "twilight years" which I love because they're great films - Daniel Foxx

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